The job hunting skill that helped me be a stronger leader

“But I’m not qualified for this.”

I’ve heard this statement countless times from friends, clients, and colleagues in the midst of a job search. Usually, they say it after coming across a description of what looks like their dream job.

They get excited! They keep reading the job posting. And eventually, they stumble upon the qualifications section. The excitement dies down.

They go silent. And they say defeatedly, “But I’m not qualified for this.” 

It’s not you. It’s them.

Here’s a not-so-well-kept secret: 95% of the time, the construction of a job description is akin to throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks.

Most companies do not know what they need in an employee - let alone how to articulate it.

Have you ever been in a position where you’re confident that your boss and colleagues have no idea what the full scope of your job is? Yes, so have I. So have most people I know.

That doesn’t just go away when you leave. Your departure doesn’t suddenly bring the company clarity regarding your position and what will set a person up for success in it.

Plus, hirings are typically time-consuming, stress-inducing, and urgent. Meaning, when a company is getting their job description out the door, they are usually throwing together a wish list of qualifications based on a wide range of criteria: from characteristics they believe the last person had or didn’t have, to what they think a “good boss” would look for in an employee. (Yes - I’ve personally been told this exact phrase multiple times!)

Yikes. 

The good…no…GREAT news

Here’s the thing. A company not knowing what they want is actually an incredible opportunity for you - if you’re in the right mindset.

When we incorrectly assume that others have everything figured out and know exactly what they want, we usually incorrectly discount ourselves from the opportunity before even putting ourselves out there.

Why do we do this? To avoid rejection, of course! It’s okay. Rejection sucks. But not finding the best opportunity for you sucks even more. 

So, the trick I use is the 33% rule. If you fit 33% of a job’s qualifications - apply! Yes, that’s right. 33%. As long as you’ve got the essentials like required industry certifications, don’t let “10 years experience” hold you back when you have 8 years under your belt.

I’ve certainly used this tactic - and the people I know who have used it as well have landed some pretty sweet jobs that became huge career moves. 

How does this apply to leadership?

Assuming that everyone else knows exactly what they want and exactly what they’re doing isn’t just destructive in job searches. It’s destructive to strong leadership. 

Why?

Well, when you believe that everyone else has it figured out, you are more likely to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong.

• Your colleagues love you and you are invaluable to the team, but you keep getting passed over for promotions? Must be a shortcoming on your part.

• That client prospect who was so enamored with you suddenly went cold and flaked? Must be something you did.

• You have been working nonstop, but you don’t feel any more secure than you did before. Must be an inherent flaw in you. 

When you get in the habit of blaming yourself, it can spiral quickly. The concerns and stressors, left to roam free, eventually become self-fulfilling prophecies. You start projecting your insecurities all over everything.

Suddenly, you aren’t responding and reacting to the outside world as it is. You are responding and reacting to a world built from your deepest fears. 

Kind of counteractive to what most of us are going for - am i right?

The answer? Rewind back to the beginning - before you bought into the concept that you are less qualified or less knowing than the people around you. Back before you started blaming yourself. 

That’s the point from which more helpful, empowering perspectives can be planted and thrive.

That’s the point from which strong leadership is built. 

Leading Forward - the 4-week reset program for leaders of all kinds - begins in less than 2 weeks and there are a few spots left.

Corporate leadership/HR expert Stacy Henry and I created the program to help build and support strong, thriving leaders in these uncertain times. Straightforward and accessible - you won’t want to miss out.

More information about Leading Forward can be found here. 

When in doubt, be a human

Growing up, I would watch the news and hear bold declarations of right and wrong, with scary stories and even scarier pictures convincing me the world is a dangerous place. 

From time to time I would get wrapped up in a single stance, adopt a lens, and see the world through the side I had chosen. I would become angered and judgmental about entire groups of people and their viewpoints - taking everything quite personally and using it to fuel my own fears. 

When I would try to engage my father in a conversation or debate, he would simply wave his hand dismissively and state, “It’s all just politics.”

Some perspective…

My father grew up in the middle of a civil war in South Lebanon. This war took place only 50 years after another conflict - the fall of the Ottoman Empire - which debilitated and killed half of the country.

The civil war itself was ultimately a religious war between the Muslim and Christian political parties within Lebanon, however it was made much more complicated by the Palestinian - Israeli relationship which, for a variety of reasons and in a variety of different ways, created more fighting and violence within Lebanese borders.

When my father was a child, a bomb hit his home while my grandmother and her children were still inside. Thankfully, nobody was hurt. The family fled across the country and rode out the next ten years in disjointed groupings of family member dispersed across Lebanon.

If anyone has a billion reasons to be angry at and suspicious of humanity, it’s my grandparents. The one incident with their house was not a unique situation, and in many cases family members and loved ones of theirs died at the hands of the fighting going on around them. For decades, they lived through the worst of what humans can create.

And yet, my grandparents are two of the most charitable, kind, and loving people I know. My grandmother will, until her dying day, feed every single mouth that comes to her house and give money to every single person who asks for it. (Sorry everyone, she doesn’t have venmo yet!) Last year, when I went to Lebanon, my grandfather insisted on driving an extra 15 minutes to a gas station in a neighboring village because they gave a portion of their proceeds to charity.

These are just a few examples, but they highlight a clear choice that my grandparents made, and continue to make. Even though their lives were disrupted, uprooted, and scarred by the war, they saw it for what it was - a matter of politics. And they refused to let the politics impact how they show up to the world as human beings. 

We have a choice to make

Many of us are seeing politics play out in huge ways that we have not personally experienced in our lifetimes. It is chaotic, confusing, and painful. Each day brings us many groups of people to be angry at or pass judgements about. 

The effects can be personally damaging, even if we aren’t engaging externally with the narrative. When we let fear and vitriol build up within us, we are left feeling more afraid, more enraged, and most importantly - we start to believe that we are alone. 

We may even begin to hoard our humanity - not out of ill will to others - but due to a survivalist mindset built on the misconception that other humans, as a whole, are dangerous. 

I have been there, and I know others who have as well. It’s not a pleasant place to be. And it is entirely avoidable. 

How do you want to show up in this world?

To take a page out of my father’s book - a lot of the pain we are experiencing right now boils down to politics. Pure and simple.

Are politics important? Yes. Many of you are able to engage regularly on a political level and help shift the course of our future - and that’s amazing. 

However, politics are not synonymous with humanity. Humanity is about, well, the human. It’s about how your neighbor is a human being with joys and struggles and a family. And their family is comprised of human beings with their own set of joys and struggles. 

Choosing to see humanity in a sea of political conflict is about seeing the person in front of you for what they are - a fellow human with successes and failures and good days and bad days. It’s about focusing on the similarities first, before acknowledging the differences (not vice versa).

It’s definitely a practice, and it’s not always easy. However, I promise it’s worth it. 

The more you practice focusing on the human beings around you, on acknowledging them for who they are, on lifting them up when they’re down - the less isolated you will feel and the less afraid you will become. 

And a reminder that a huge part of giving to others is receiving from others. So, if you are depleted and exhausted and are the one who needs the lifting up - make sure that when others offer help or support that you take it. Often times, our own discomfort with receiving can lead us to lift others up at our own expense, which then perpetuates that feeling of isolation and fear. That’s not what we are going for here.

Leaning into your humanity means both being able to give and needing help. The two are not mutually exclusive and both need to happen to complete the circuit.

I do not know what will happen next week, or next month, or next year. No matter what happens, in the midst of all the noise and chaos, we all get to choose how we are showing up to the world each day and who we are being in it.

At the end of the day, that’s really what matters. The rest is all noise, and it too shall pass. 

The CEO skill that transformed my business … and my life

Years ago, I was sitting with the executive coach specifically tasked with helping me transition into my brand new CEO role.

As I was relaying the events of my week, I paused, sighed heavily, rolled my eyes, and exclaimed, “Oh! And we finally got everyone to show up on time for a meeting.” 

My team, extremely competent and committed, had differing ideas of what “on time” meant. However, from my vantage point I could see how the scattered start times were affecting the company’s work flow as a whole….plus tardiness really annoys me…. so I had made it my mission to shift the collective behavior. And it was taking much longer than I had hoped.

As I started back in on my list of “important” updates, my coach interrupted me.

“Lisa,” she said. “That’s a win! Do you see that?” 

I did not. 

It did not feel like a win. It felt like something that shouldn’t have been an issue in the first place. It felt like I wanted to be focusing on other things. It felt like we were progressing more slowly than I had hoped. 

It felt like a win in the same way getting my car repaired after getting rear ended felt - time consuming, annoying, non-optional, and somehow my problem even though I didn’t cause it.

My coach, highly perceptive to my distinctive sneer, continued.

“If you’re going to be a CEO, you’re going to have to learn to celebrate the small wins.”

I whined back dismissively, “Yeah, I suppose…”

“No,” she stated firmly. “The small wins are important, because as a CEO, they’re the only ones you will get.”

This statement hit me like a ton of bricks to the gut.

“I want my money back,” I exclaimed.

She was right. Here’s why.

If a CEO is doing their job, they are maintaining a high level of perspective. They are seeing it all.

They are aware of every effort, every struggle, and every obstacle that went into each win. They also see the future work that needs to be planned and executed as a result of each win. 

When a CEO maintains perspective, every win - especially the large ones - carries inherent baggage. As they say - more money, more problems. And it’s the CEO’s job to both make more money and also lead their team through solving the problems that occur.

When the landscape is complicated and everything feels loaded - celebrating the small wins is crucial. Celebrating the small wins is a life line. Celebrating the small wins showcases the rocks that make hopping across a wide river possible. 

And plus, celebrating the small wins gives true perspective. It completes the picture - painting in the positive with the negative, the past in with the future. And whether or not you’re a CEO, perspective is incredibly valuable - especially during times of complication and uncertainty. 

At first, I was terrible at celebrating the small wins.

Committed to maintaining a realistic (read pessimistic) viewpoint, and not so great with the “touchy feely” stuff, it felt like an uncomfortable, mind-numbing, and pointless exercise.

I would sit down each day to make my coach-imposed list of my three small wins from the day before and slowly, routinely, and begrudgingly cultivated the mindfulness necessary to notice the wins as they happened.

Somewhere along the way, I became a stronger leader. I started noticing my team’s wins more and had the awareness and skills to acknowledge them. I started taking things less personally and felt more in control.

Our business thrived. And I became a happier, less stressed out person.

I hadn’t realized exactly how far I had come until years, when I was sitting in front of a new CEO. She was telling me about a step she had made in shifting her company culture. I interrupted her.

“That’s a win! Do you see that?” I asked.

She did not.

Without thinking twice, I advised, “If you’re going to be a CEO, you’re going to have to learn to celebrate the small wins… they’re the only ones you will get.” 

She rolled her eyes.

I laughed. She had no idea how much she was about to grow as a leader - but I did!

One final thing.

I’m no longer the CEO of that company, but I am a business owner and a human being. 

And celebrating the small wins continues to be instrumental to my growth and peace. 

Remember that whole thing about perspective? Perspective is an anchor in times of uncertainty and change. Perspective gives us a pole to climb up when the emotional flood waters start rolling in. 

Celebrating the small wins is one of the quickest ways to develop higher perspective. Yes, it may feel uncomfortable. Yes, it may feel like you’re just going through the motions at first. 

However, if you start writing down just three small wins every day, you will eventually start to notice a deeper sense of control and happiness. 

And before you know it, someone will be complaining to you and you will interrupt them.

“Hey, that’s a win! Do you see that?” you’ll ask.

They will not. And you will see how far you’ve come.

How to ask for help

Last night, I read an online journal entry of mine from when I was 14 years old. It was one line and it read: “I need help.”

Despite the straightforward nature of this post, and other posts like it, I spent my teens and twenties struggling desperately with asking for help.

Usually, I would see others around me receiving the support and care I so deeply desired. People seemed to rush to their aid, checking to make sure they were okay, knowing how to pull them back above water.

For me, it always felt different. 

For most of my life, I felt as thought I was screaming for help and support on the inside, only to have a silence come out of my mouth. By the time I could utter the words, “I need help” it was no longer a small request. It was urgent and massive plea. 

There are so many aspects of this topic to cover - from why it often feels like we’ve asked for help but haven’t received it, to why it can be so difficult to simply ask for help in the first place. But the topic I want to look at today is the how.

How do we ask for the help we need?

Because that’s really the question, isn’t it? It’s certainly the question I struggled to answer for decades of my life. It’s the question I have been watching many of us struggle to answer for the past many months as support has become more needed while becoming more scarce all at the same time.

So if you’re in need of help - in work, at home, in life - but you don’t know how to ask for it, try this on for size:

Try to be aware of your own defense and coping mechanisms in times of stress. 

Part of why I struggled in asking for help for so long is that I was fully committed to creating a “put together” facade. This facade went into overdrive during times of stress. So while I felt like I was sinking, those around me perceived me as being even more polished and stable. 

On the other end of the spectrum, some people are more hyperbolic and extreme in their emotional displays when stressed - beyond the scope of what they are actually feeling. This facade can lead to others erroneously dismissing their earnest pleas for help.

Becoming aware of the face you wear when you are in distress is helpful in overcoming it. I can guarantee you that the people around you either a) are so wrapped up in their own worlds they don’t realize you are wearing a mask or b) see your mask super clearly for what it is but don’t know if YOU realize that you are wearing a mask. Either way, it’s helpful if you can acknowledge it first.

Find someone you trust.

It doesn’t even need to be the person who can best help you directly with the thing.

Sometimes we find ourselves needing support in an area of our lives that our support system doesn’t cover. That’s okay. Ask the people you trust for help anyways.

Acknowledge that they may not be able to help you, but that you would like their help finding more suitable help. Meta, I know.

Say, “I need help.”

It sounds simple, but many people leave this crucial step out. They describe their turmoil, they may even allude to what they need, but they never actually request help and so it’s never actually received. 

This is hands down the easiest pattern to fix, and before you dismiss it and assume you always say the words - check yourself! Do you? And if not, definitely start.

Acknowledge if you’ve asked for help before.

Often times, people have a history of trying to ask for help, but feel as though they didn’t quite get what they needed. Maybe the other person’s response triggered them even further. Maybe the other person provided copious amounts of support - just not what they felt they had asked for. 

This step is tough for the people pleasers in the world because speaking up about how your needs were not met can be scary. But it’s so important! And if the other person wants to help you, they definitely want to know what type of help you need. Chances are they are doing their best to be there for you and just need more context from you.

Receive the help!

And try not to feel guilty about it. 

If, for whatever reason, you are still left in despair after receiving help - please tell someone. And if possible, ask for more.

You are not a refrigerator. You are not a kitchen appliance that needs to be fixed. 

You are a human being with feelings that change and circumstances that change and people who love you very much. No matter what that voice in your head says, the people who care about you will not be offended, be disappointed in you, or leave you if you ask for more help.

And above all, please never stop asking and searching for the help you need. You may not know what it looks like, and you may not have found it yet - but the help and support and relief you are seeking is somewhere on this earth - I promise you that.

If you’re or loved one are struggling, don’t wait to reach out.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255

That all or nothing attitude was never serving you (and it definitely isn’t now)

For most of my young life as a musician, I was taught that singular focus and dedication was the key to success. 

I remember hearing that I had to get my 10,000 hours in quicker than my peers in order to rise. I learned that specialization, not well-roundedness, was the key to thriving. And of course, the equation to performing at Carnegie Hall was crystal clear - practice practice practice.

I eagerly subscribed to this guidance and whole-heartedly believed that a work-centric, 110% committed, tunnel vision approach would pave the road to excellence.

And then I met Fenwick Smith. 

Arguably one of the best second flutists in the world, Fenwick Smith’s no nonsense, smart, and focused approach to music attracted me to his studio. I assumed I was signing up for a very serious, hardcore two years of focus on orchestral flute playing that would give me the success his students were notorious for.

That couldn’t have been further from the truth.

In addition to his “day job” at the Boston Symphony Orchestra, he was also a flute maker, committed teacher, active commissioner and performer of new music, builder of his own house, recording studio refurbisher and owner, human rights activist, and notoriously outstanding friend and colleague to many. 

In our lessons, questions about flute were always met with direct answers - except they were about life, not flute. It was clear that for him, being a flutist was a small piece of a larger life, and that all of the pieces benefitted greatly from each other. 

It was also clear that moderation was ever-present in his success. Very much a Quaker, he was not pompous nor was he into life-hacking his way into optimization. He cultivated inner steadiness and took life as it came to him. His extraordinary work ethic existed totally without that all-or-nothing attitude so familiar to me.

It was simple. It was effective. And it was freeing.

In my experience, the glorification of an extreme, all-in approach to work is not only present in classical music. The perspective is rampant in all areas of corporate and nonprofit life.

The issue is, this approach does not age well through times of uncertainty. Under the additional stress of the unknown, this approach starts to crumble, and the person is usually left frozen in self-blame, anger, and fear.

Does that sound familiar to you? Because it sure sounds familiar to me! 

A lot of people I’m speaking with these days have had the parameters of their all-or-nothing lifestyles shift on them, and as a result are crippled by the belief that they have failed forever and permanently. 

But here’s the thing…

If you are a musician who is crushed because you used to measure your success by the number and types of gigs you had lined up - but now the gigs are dried up….

If you are a CEO who is irate because you used to measure your success by how streamlined and automatic you made the workplace - but the unwieldy landscape has rendered your carefully constructed systems obsolete….

If you are an employee who is lost because you used to measure your success by how much you anticipated and met the needs of those around you - but you have no idea what people needed yesterday let alone tomorrow….

If you are an entrepreneur who is terrified because you used to measure your success by how much revenue you earned and how quickly - but the current world has made your sector unpredictable….

…Don’t worry. Take a breath. You did nothing wrong. 

This doesn’t mean you have to pivot, start over, or focus on a new specialty. You just need to expand your focus a little wider to see the areas of your life that have existed alongside your specialty all along.

In an all-or-nothing paradigm, we are taught that in order to achieve success, we have to get rid of everything that isn’t the #1 focus of the moment - even if we have spent years or decades building it. 

By expanding the lens through which we define ourselves and our success, rather than switching out the lens entirely, we afford ourselves the opportunity to truly grow. We get to keep the parts of ourselves that we have fostered and use them to cultivate the new projects or paths of any given moment.

Ultimately, we expand our capacity as a human being- simply and moderately, through pure work ethic, without ego or life-hacking optimization. 

No, it’s not a flashy process. There aren’t 10,000 hours to log. And when something goes wrong, there isn’t a process or person to blame. 

But the end result is more effective and more freeing than you could ever imagine.

What happens when you outsource your sense of stability

Most days, I spend an exorbitant amount of time thinking about stability and safety. I wish I could say that all of this time is due to questions and concerns that my clients bring up. And while some of it is, most of it is not. 

See, the truth is, I’ve spent most of my life trying to figure out where stability comes from. As a kid with extreme sensory sensitivities, the world seemed big, unruly, and scary. And as the daughter of two engineers, I believed that any question could be solved and fixed with proper analysis and hard work. So, I set off in life to figure out a) why I didn’t feel safe and b) where I could find and hold onto that elusive feeling of total stability. 

And for 30 years of my life, I tried my best to find the answers. I mean, I really, REALLY tried. It became like some convoluted anxiety-ridden version of Goldilocks and the 427 Bears. If I could just find the right job, the right relationships, the right roommate, the right friends, the right apartment, the right school, the right city, the right schedule, the right morning routine, the right income, the right email format, the right hairstyle, the right herbal tea…. If I could just find the right one, all of the puzzle pieces would fit and life would feel unshakeable and safe. 

Except sometimes, miraculously, I did find all the “right” ones (or at least what the world told me was right for me) but it still wasn’t enough. So then I set out to BE the right way. To talk the right way, to work the right way, to love the right way. I figured that if the external world I surrounded myself with was supposed to make me feel good, and I didn’t feel good, I somehow wasn’t being “enough” for that feeling of stability I yearned for so deeply. 

It was exhausting. And ineffective. And demoralizing.

Right now, most of us are experiencing an influx of instability in our external surroundings. Jobs we thought would be there forever are not there anymore - with no knowledge of when they will return. Services and events such as air travel, sports gatherings, and concerts are limited in scope and no longer carry the same enjoyable sense of safety and relaxation they used to. Many of us are becoming increasingly aware of just how severe racial inequalities in this country are - and how our fellow humans are affected. 

Every day brings something new, extreme, and sometimes terrifying. And I’m watching as the people close to me - my friends, my colleagues, my clients - are grasping to find the sense of stability they once felt… and coming up short. 

Here’s the thing - stability isn’t something you can outsource. Stability comes from your ability to simply trust that you will be okay. You’ve got this. 

“But Lisa - you don’t know if I will be okay. Anything could happen.”

Yes, anything could happen. 

However, when you choose not to build that internal trust as the starting point on your journey to stability, you have no choice but to turn externally. You have no choice but to look for the right job, the right path, the right city, the right mask to keep you “safe”. 

And when those don’t exist, or they don’t make you feel safe, you might turn against yourself. Most people do. You might start to think that if you could just focus more, work harder, nap less, be better - it would all work out. You might start to deduce that maybe the pieces aren’t broken - you are.

If this is happening - you’re not broken! You’re just outsourcing your sense of stability. You’re just trying to find a sense of steadiness and safety… and looking in the wrong place. Remember - it’s YOUR sense of stability. It’s within you.  

So, if you are feeling down because the career that you love is on pause due to the pandemic and you worry that it won’t return - try not blaming yourself for choosing the “wrong” career, and trust that you have the ability to find or create the opportunities you crave.

If you are feeling burnt out because you have been working non-stop for the past 3 months in a FOMO frenzy - try to acknowledge all of the hard work you’ve done up until this point, and trust that you will find the projects that are right for you even if you work half as much.

If you are labelling yourself as lazy for feeling tired or taking that extra nap - try to thank yourself for taking the rest you needed, engage in an activity that fills your cup up, and trust that you will eventually get the important stuff done.

If you feel frozen in inaction in your life or your career because you are waiting for some external sign that it’s appropriate for you to move forward - try appreciating your own sense of caution and sensitivity, and trust that you know what is best for you and if you want to take action, it is appropriate to take action.

No matter how hard you may try, you can’t find total safety and security outside of yourself. Yes, it may be tempting to seek external solutions to your internal discomfort. However, when you turn that focus inwards and cultivate a sense of trust inside yourself, the result is a rock-solid, unshakeable, and long-lasting version of stability that will see you through whatever the world throws your way.

Owning your baggage in order to effect change

As humans, we all have emotional baggage. We carry our limiting beliefs, past traumas, and fears of the future with us as we walk through our jobs, our relationships, and our lives.

Not all baggage is created equal. And how a person relates to their baggage can have a huge effect on how much weight they are carrying at any given time.

Some of us have overpacking tendencies and take a “throw it in and squeeze it shut” approach to our baggage. 

Some of us are fastidious about cleaning out and inventorying our baggage regularly - leading to light and organized loads. 

Some of us can’t handle the weight of our baggage, and when it feels too heavy to carry, we put it down.

Putting our baggage down is fine to do from time to time, however, once we put it down we may feel tempted to ditch it or ignore that it was ever ours in the first place. Especially if it was heavy. Especially if it felt uncontrollably messy.

The issue is - the baggage will get picked up.

Usually, it gets picked up by the people we come into contact with. Sometimes, we will even subconsciously hurl our baggage at others to carry. In the best case scenario, this is not done out of ill intent. In the best case scenario, we do this because we see them carrying a lot of baggage that looks similar to ours and we convince ourselves that it’s actually their responsibility to carry it.

But even if our actions are subconscious and our intent is good: The baggage isn’t theirs.  It never was.

This is what we are talking about when we talk about the invisible yet assumed emotional labor women carry in most workplaces - no matter their title or pay level.

This is what we are talking about when we talk about people of color routinely putting the emotional comfort of white people above their own - and still being blamed and harmed in the process.  

This is what we are talking about when we talk about marriages where one person always gets their needs met - at the expense of their spouse’s emotional safety and health.

So why don’t we all take our baggage back? The answer is quite simple. Most humans avoid being uncomfortable whenever possible.

If you were carrying someone else’s baggage, especially baggage they subconsciously unloaded onto you, and tried to give it back to them - it probably wouldn’t go over so well at first. The original owner likely wouldn’t even recognize the baggage as their own. They would only feel the uncomfortable weight that has just been added to their load. And so, they would naturally resist taking it on. They might even get angry at you for giving them this baggage. They may think that you the one to blame. They may think that you are the problem.  In reality, you’re the solution.

The fact of the matter is that we have to be the ones to sort out our own baggage. Nobody can heal our wounds for us. Nobody can expand our limiting beliefs for us. Nobody can address our fears but us. 

Yes, we can ask for help. We can get guidance. We can lean on our community. But in order to do that, we need to be carrying our own baggage first. Even if it’s been a long time since we’ve carried it. Even if we are uncomfortable because we wrongly thought that someone else was responsible for it. Even if the weight of it feels crushing. We need to hold it again if there is any hope of lightening the load.

And besides, the baggage isn’t theirs. It never was. 

How do I deal with my feels? A flowchart.

Yes, it is totally possible to build and cultivate your network online. I've been doing it for years.

Long before 2020 hit, I was working in the virtual space. During the years I spent as a consultant and manager, I worked with clients across the US and the world, many of whom I’ve still never met in person.

Even now in my coaching practice, there are many clients I know solely in the virtual space. This means that we met virtually, developed a deep, meaningful connection virtually, and continue to accomplish great work together…you guessed it…virtually.

I’ve read a few articles now about how the rise of virtual work is killing networking and professional connections. While I understand the perspective, I have a hard time embracing the sentiment given my personal experience. 

Yes, the online space can exacerbate the awkwardness associated with networking. And while there are many aspects of connecting virtually that feel more disconnected - there are also benefits, that when leveraged, can form deeper more meaningful connections.

Here are a few of the tips I’ve picked up along the way…

Always include a call to action

This is a general networking tip that has become so much more important in the virtual landscape.

All of us have been on the giving or receiving end of the “We should catch up” email. The email is sent. Weeks and months pass. But, a meeting never actually occurs. 

In the past, maybe this didn’t bother you so much. Maybe there was a chance you might run into this person out and about. But now that chance is diminished.

Here’s the thing - the more virtual the communication, the more direction it needs. 

Once you hit send, your piece of the interaction is over and you have no control over when or how the other person will read your message. You are relying on the words you sent to compel the other person to respond with action.

If you are trying to set up a meeting, especially if it is a networking meeting, it is imperative that your note include a call to action. This could look something like:

“Do you have some time this week to speak? Let me know.”

“Let me know,” is the most simple and effective call to action there is, and yes it makes a huge difference. Without it, you have simply posed a question. With it, you have signaled to the other person what they need to do once they answer that question.

If you haven’t been getting responses to your networking emails, try it out and let me know how it goes.

Minimize distractions

You’re a busy person. You have hours of meetings, endless emails to get through, and deadlines to meet. 

In an in-person meeting, if you were to whip out your inbox and start checking emails while a person was sitting across from you speaking, you would likely be seen as rude. 

However, in the safety of your own home you start to wonder - “Maybe I can become a multi-tasking wizard and finally feel on top of everything.”

So, you are in a phone or video meeting, but you also have other browsers and their alerts open where you can see them. Your inbox, your Facebook, your slack channel, that article you were reading before the call - they are all lurking in your periphery.

The thing is, just because you can always be logged on to the world now, doesn’t mean you should - especially if you are actively interacting with another human. 

First of all, it’s still considered rude, even if the other person or people can’t see what you’re doing. Secondly, it’s exhausting, since you’re requiring your brain to constantly be on alert and juggle stimulation from multiple sources.

Most importantly - it totally robs you of the human connection component of the conversation you’re in. 

Yes, connecting virtually with someone does require a little more effort to establish a connection. However, if you are keeping your whole virtual life up in the background while connecting with them, you are putting in all of the effort and reaping almost none of the reward. So, minimize (literally) those screens and distractions and focus on the conversation you’re having.

***If your work from home situation includes unavoidable distractions such as children, this may not be as possible for you. If there is a high likelihood that you could be interrupted, simply be up front about that possibility. You’re juggling a lot in less than ideal circumstances. People will understand.***

Mind your senses

Sometimes video meetings are great. They allow us to share screens, gather multiple people, easily record the conversation, and see the face of the person we are talking to.

However, if the goal of my call with someone is to establish or further a connection with them, I prefer telephone. 

The best example I have for why this is comes from my career as a performer. 

Ideally, when you’re playing music in an ensemble, you can clearly see your fellow musicians and easily follow their visual cues. 

Sometimes, for whatever reason, this isn’t possible. So you adjust.

With the absence of one sense (sight), you become hyper aware in your listening and even develop a peripheral sensitivity to the breath and movements of the people around you. When this goes well, it’s a feeling of total interconnectedness. It almost feels like you’re physically sitting in the seats of all of your fellow musicians simultaneously.

It’s the same thing with phone calls vs video calls. Sometimes, it’s great to see people when you speak to them. However, sometimes it can distract you from listening deeply. The assumption that the addition of more senses automatically allows us to make our conversations more meaningful is simply incorrect.

Without worrying about the visual aspect of the conversation, you are freed to listen more closely and be “in” the conversation more. Plus you give yourself a break from that constant state of zoom fatigue.

Have a strong (virtual) handshake

When two people meet for the first time, someone tends to instantly emerge as the leader of the interaction. The leader is the one who confidently approaches you first. They have a firm handshake. They guide you to your destination. They let the hostess know that you need a table for two.

There is an inherent safety in this subtle physical leadership that gives both participants the opportunity to settle into the conversation and feel secure.

While the physical component is not present online, there are certainly ways to lead a conversation or first interaction entirely with your voice that creates the same sense of security.

One thing I’ve noticed is that people typically have their first question prepared for the conversation ahead, but rarely are people prepared to deliver their first personal contribution.

You might hop on the phone and ask someone emphatically, “How are you?” 

They respond, “I’m great, how are you doing?”

You say, “Great!”

And then…. crickets. And because you’re online, the crickets sound more like sirens screaming *awkward*awkward*awkward* in your ear.

 The remedy for this is to be prepared to contribute something personal or substantial when you’re asked a question, especially at the beginning of a conversation. 

When they ask “How are you doing?” you might respond, “I’m great! I just went to my favorite coffee place to pick up my favorite coffee, and I know it’s such a small thing, but I feel like a new person!”

This small share on your part allows the other person to settle it, relate to you, and come up with a pertinent response or question. It adds space, structure, and security. And its 1000% less awkward.

In my personal experience, networking virtually doesn’t have to mean a death sentence for relationship cultivation and human connection. Rather, the more you focus on cultivating clarity and presence in your online interactions, the more your network (online and offline) will thrive.

The odds are half the battle - what the game of poker can teach us about navigating risk

I love poker.

While I’m personally not very big on gambling, I find the game of poker to be a perfect combination of mathematic strategy and human behavior. 

Top poker players are not only human statistics machines, they are also exceptionally aware - maintaining a zen-like detachment as they constantly detect and decipher the behavior of the other players and adjust accordingly.

Much like with chess, the game theory behind poker can offer us invaluable insight into the strategic navigation of our lives and businesses away from the table.

Here are a couple of the biggest lessons I've learned from the game…

The more you focus on your last hand, the less you can do with the cards you’ve just been dealt

The game of poker operates on a landscape that is always changing.

You may have been dealt great cards in your last hand that you wasted on a bad play. You might be at the table with aggressive players, passive players, or both. You may have had a few great runs an hour ago, but the past few hands have been rough and you start to wonder if the next one will be too. 

This is why maintaining presence is so important. While the landscape is always changing, the game and its foundations remain the same. The more you get caught up in what has changed, the easier it is to lose sight of just how in control you are in any given moment.

A player stuck in the past is less able to see how many options are available to them in the present and is less able to make a smart, level-headed decision about how to best move forward.

The world around us is always changing, yet when we try to navigate the changes each day brings, so many of us find ourselves stuck in the past. Focusing on what was and worrying about what might be not only magnifies our perceived lack of control - it actively works against us making informed and sound decisions about our present situation.

The statistics tell half of the story

There is a phase in a poker player’s development when they become married to the statistics. They spend hours memorizing charts and scenarios based on the cold hard numbers. And then at the table they become obsessed with executing a mathematically perfect game - only playing the hands most likely to win, and folding any hand that falls beneath an acceptable percentage level. 

Besides being rather boring and predictable to play against, players who obsess over the facts of the math are most likely to go “on tilt” - a phrase that refers to a state of emotional confusion or frustration in which a player adopts a less than optimal game strategy.

When a statistics-obsessed player goes on tilt, it is typically because things didn’t pan out as the math dictated they should have, leaving the player feeling confused and out of control as the game moves forward. Once a player is on tilt, they are almost always sure to lose. 

The world is full of facts and statistical generalizations intended to help us decide how we should run our lives and businesses. Examples of these include:

Having a degree in writing makes it more likely you will get a job as a writer.

Someone in your field with your education and experience typically works 50 hours a week for $50,000 dollars a year.

The economy is down and there are 10% less jobs than there were last month. 

These types of fact-based generalizations have merit to them. However, they only paint half of the truth.

When we become hyper-focused on adopting a perspective totally founded in the numbers, we dismiss the unique human being behind our life and career. We limit our opportunities before we even start. 

You may not have a degree in writing, but you may be a stellar writer with killer writing industry connections.

You may have a certain education or level of experience, but your unique ability to synthesize that background into practical knowledge may allow you to work 20 hour weeks at $100,000 a year.

There may be fewer jobs out there, but you’re not applying for millions of jobs. You’re applying for a dozen and looking for one. The 10% decrease may not affect your search at all.

Additionally, much like in poker, when we put all our eggs in the statistically sound path, we significantly increase the chance that when reality strays from the story we’ve chosen, we will go on tilt. 

We run the risk of becoming angry and confused. 

You get that writing degree but it still doesn’t lead to the opportunities it should have.

We make increasingly poor decisions due to panic and a perceived loss of control. 

You start accepting tons of jobs at a discounted rate, winding up with 80 hours of work a week for a total of $30,000 a year.

Ultimately, we feel like we’ve lost, even when we haven’t.

In poker, as in life, there are certain elements we can control and certain elements we can’t. The more we over-identify with any one piece of information, especially when that information is based on the experience of others, the less present we become in crafting our own lives.

All we can do is show up each day, detached from the events of yesterday, open to tomorrow’s outcome, and ready to take the information as it comes to us. When we can allow ourselves this level of awareness and presence, we give ourselves the best shot possible at winning the hand.

Giving yourself the (cyber)space to heal

A few years ago, I was healing from a lot. I had left a job on a rather low note and was wildly burnt out after years of working 80+ hour weeks. I was grappling with the fallout of a breakup that unearthed a huge truckload of insecurities. I had finally faced nearly 10 years of avoided financial reality and accumulated debt. 

And at the same time this was all happening, I started working entirely from home and the interactive aspect of my career moved 100% online. I thought that working from home would provide a welcome retreat from the constant (and often unwelcome) energies, moods, triggers, and opinions of others in my space.

However, the digital landscape quickly provided me with a new kind of hyper-filtered, constantly present view of my peers and colleagues. I saw posed group pictures with heart emojis in the captions, and watched as mortal frenemies “liked” or “loved” each others content. I read endless “I’m so humbled and excited to announce” career updates. Someone was always doing something new and flashy and exciting each day. 

This combined with my newfound free time did not always provide the retreat I thought it would. More often than not, it created a sort of hellish mental game - where I had constant access to a ton of carefully selected half-truths painted as perfect whole-truths…plus the space and isolation to let my imagination run wild. 

Perhaps this sounds familiar to you, because maybe this is what you have been encountering throughout this period of stay-at-home self-isolation. If so, I know it’s tough. But the good news is, I have been here before, and there are tangible steps you can take to make it better.

Here are some things I have done, and you can do, to make the space in your world to heal when you are physically isolated and digitally connected. 

Unfollow Unfollow Unfollow

When my career moved online, social media became more and more of a professional necessity. Partially due to the social nature of my job, and partially because connecting with humans was no longer baked into my immediate physical atmosphere, I found myself on social media apps more and more. However, with that increase in social media time came an extraordinary increase in anxiety.

My especially emotionally raw state left me particularly vulnerable to the ferocity of comparison mode and FOMO. Even when I wasn’t being set off by the posts in front of me, I was increasingly anticipating the appearance of a triggering post. Soon, the anxiety was a constant.

So, I started unfollowing people on Facebook**, my main social media outlet of choice. At first, I unfollowed a few people, and then I unfollowed everyone. And let me tell you, the silence was bliss. 

Suddenly, what felt like a daily journey into pandora’s box felt clean and manageable. I could still view my friends’ content, but I had to opt in to seeing it by purposefully going to their page. And the fear that I would somehow miss out on an important post that would leave me socially in the dark just never came true.

Since then, I have added friends and clients back to my feed, but I will still happily unfollow people, pages, or threads that make me feel anything less than great. 

**Instagram and Twitter have the same feature, except they call it muting

Triage your social circle

Shortly after I started curating the online content I was ingesting, I started to experience acute clarity around how people made me feel in the real world. I hadn’t realized it until that point, but my blind participation in an online world that often made me feel insecure was bleeding over into my personal interactions. In other words - I had poor social boundaries that revolved around pleasing others who wouldn’t or couldn’t respect me. 

While typically I might have noticed this and established firmer boundaries and standards on the spot, I was still healing and did not have the energy or emotional capacity to do so. So instead I subscribed to this rule for six months:

Do I feel happy and safe around this person? If it’s not a hell yes it’s a hard no.

As much as was possible, and I acknowledge it wasn’t always possible, I would not interact with the hard no folks. I would not go to gatherings I knew they would be at. I would not hang out with them. I would not have phone calls with them. I would not engage in text banter with them. 

“Sorry, I can’t,” became my new favorite phrase, and if a person called me out on my unavailability, I would politely but firmly state “I just don’t have a lot of capacity right now.” Which was true. I didn’t. 

I thought adhering to this rule would make me lonely and miserable, but the opposite was true. I found I had just as much of a social life, yet all of my anxiety dropped. My healing process was expedited, and once I was fully okay again, I did make sure to circle back with the people closest to me and instill new boundaries. 

Even when we aren’t spending our days physically around others, we still have people who have personal access to us. But remember, access is a two way street, and you are responsible for the company you keep.

Know the difference between numbing, dwelling, and processing

Ideally, when an emotional trigger presents itself, we have the space, capacity and awareness to process it so that we learn a lesson and grow. However, when we are constantly bombarded with people and messages that poke at our sore points, we typically teeter between dwelling on the issue or numbing out and escaping it all together. 

For a lot of us, dwelling feels the worst, and so we go to great lengths to avoid it. Typically, this means we engage in self-soothing or numbing behavior. We watch a funny show on Netflix or get lost in a Youtube tunnel, or take infinite naps, or absorb ourselves in work. 

And this is totally fine! Self-soothing is often a necessary step to avoid the initial impulse of a negative spiral. 

However, in order to heal, we must eventually process. And emotionally processing in self-isolation needs to be a much more purposeful activity, since many of the everyday opportunities and interactions that help processing along have been temporarily taken away. 

Processing activities are a little more active and include things like journaling, talking at yourself in a voice memo (aka audio journaling), talking to a friend, therapist, or coach, physical activity, mindfulness practices, or engaging in creative processes such as songwriting or drawing.

Processing can feel a little scarier than self-soothing because it engages with our negative feelings in a way that makes dwelling feel more possible. This is heightened in self-isolation because nobody wants to be stuck dwelling alone. 

But it’s okay - if the processing becomes a little too much you can always turn the Netflix back on, take a deep breath, and try again later. Every little bit of processing helps, and healing definitely doesn’t have to look or feel perfect.

If you find your comparison mode switch stuck in the “on” position, or simply feel more anxious than you did before, I suggest looking at and cleaning up how your interact with the online space. It won’t be forever, and it may give you the space you need to heal and achieve peace during this time.

The Graveyard of Gigs Lost - how to list opportunities cancelled during the pandemic on your materials

Dear artists, freelancers, and anyone with a job or contract that has been disrupted by the coronavirus pandemic…

You may be at the point where you are freshening up your resume or bio in order to apply for new jobs or next year’s gigs. And you may be wondering:

How the hell do I acknowledge what has just happened to my calendar?

March, April and May are huge months for most people in creative fields. A lot of people have had a lot of jobs disappear that were not only revenue generators, but also important line items for their resume and bio. 

Typically, we only list the jobs we’ve actually completed. But this feels different. 

Because it is. So let’s break it down. 

As far as your resume and materials go, the following rules apply:

1. A resume is an accumulation of accomplishments and experiences. 

2. Getting hired for a job is an accomplishment.

3. Performing a job is an experience.

4. Typically, we perform the jobs we are hired for, and that is why we combine the accomplishments and experiences into one entry.

5. Also typically, losing a job you were hired for before your perform it is either a poor reflection on you (you lied or were unprofessional) or the result of an accidental situation (you got very sick and they had to replace you).

6. As a result, under normal circumstances, we don’t list jobs we were hired for and didn’t perform because it can draw attention to errors we have made or increase doubt in the mind of the hiring party by making us subconsciously appear accident prone.

However, this is not a typical situation. This is a global pandemic! So let’s go back to the basics.

1. A resume is an accumulation of accomplishments and experiences. 

2. Getting hired for a job is an accomplishment.

3. Performing a job is an experience.

If you have had a contracted job cancelled or postponed due to the coronavirus pandemic - still list it on your resume - at least for the next year.

Remember, being hired for the job was the accomplishment. You just had the experience cancelled, but the accomplishment still exists.

Plus, if you label a job as cancelled on your resume, and also label it as occurring during April of 2020, it’s not as though people will wonder why. Literally every human on earth is experiencing this right now. Trust that your fellow humans will remember that we were in the middle of a global pandemic and that’s why your job was cancelled.  

Big Disclaimer - be sure to label any cancelled or postponed jobs during this time as such. You don’t want to ignore the fact that the show did not go on - doing so will make the reader second guess the legitimacy of your entire resume. And you don’t want that. 

You do not need to pretend that all of those jobs you auditioned for, applied for, and negotiated for don’t exist. You may not have gotten to experience them, but you definitely accomplished securing them in the first place - and that’s worth noting.

I get that I need to take time for myself. But like…how?

Here we are, many weeks into a global pandemic, constantly attempting to settle into the “new normal” on any given day. 

By now, we have thankfully been hearing more about the importance of going easy on ourselves throughout this time and creating the space we each need to mourn, heal, and recalibrate. For those of us who can veer towards productivity addiction, this is a fantastic message to hear. However, the reminder about the value of space has caused another question to appear…

But, how?

“My days went from structured to not - how do I schedule in time for myself when no time is scheduled?”

“I feel like I’m sitting around doing nothing important at all - how do I create space that is healing when I feel so guilty about the space I’ve taken?”

“I feel busier than ever and like I’m being pulled in a thousand directions - how do create the space when there is none?”

“Whenever I take space, it feels like I return to a to do list that is twice as long - how do I take time for me without making it more stressful in the end.”

Sometimes, the advice we most need to integrate into our lives is the advice most perplexing to integrate into our lives. Yet, many of us stop short of asking the “how” question because we assume we are the only ones facing confusion.  

So, if you have been asking yourself “But, how?” in response to the “take more space” advice - know that you are not alone. And here are some pointers on how to tackle the daunting task of taking the time you need.

Stop with the guilt.

Yes, I’m starting with the advice that is the most hard to take and also inspires another “but, how” question. But it’s important to start with the guilt factor. When it comes to your emotional and energetic state…

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.

You never did have anything to feel guilty for, but especially now, everyone is feeling a bit wobbly in their energetic and emotional state. Everyone. Every. One. 

The more open you are to the concept that even at your most guilt-ridden, your feelings of guilt are simply rooted in fear and anxiety rather than reality, the more equipped you will be to create the space you need. 

Schedule yourself in.

Whether your currently schedule is wide open or your days are free, actually physically scheduling time in for you is key. Two general rules apply:

1) It’s easier to grow something from nothing. 

If you are short on free time, start with scheduling in small 15-minute chunks of time throughout the day. And then, in a week, graduate to 30-minute chunks. And then, in another week, maybe put aside one half day in your week. And so on and so forth. Sometimes we humans try to wait until the conditions are perfect to reserve the space we need, but when we do that, we exhaust ourselves in the waiting process. I’ve found it’s better, more manageable, and more effective to start small and grow over time. 

2) Contrast can help with effectiveness.

If your calendar is wide open and you are struggling with structure, you don’t need to plan out your entire day every day in order to create space for yourself. You may only need bookends to your you time. For example, if you’d like to spend four hours taking space for yourself, perhaps you might schedule in a virtual co-working session with a colleague before those four hours begin and schedule a call with a friend after those four hours are done. This is essentially the time equivalent of a coffee mug. If you want to drink coffee, pouring coffee straight into your empty hand may feel frustrating. However, if you put a container such as a coffee mug in your hand and pour coffee into it, it will feel more fulfilling to drink.

Be open and straightforward.

If you are at the point where you need time, and you need to say no to something or someone in order to get it, simply state the truth. The statement “I’m overwhelmed and I need x amount of time for myself,” is clear and powerful. It’s vulnerable and honest, but is also succinct in a way that doesn’t at all run the risk of being unprofessional or too much. Plus, most people struggle with taking time for themselves - especially now - and by being clear about doing so for yourself, you will likely serve as an inspiration for others to do the same.

My Month of 100 Clients...and the lessons I learned about how we all are

One month ago, when the coronavirus hit the arts and small business communities, I made the decision to open up my calendar to anyone in need of support. I was unsure if anyone would take me up on my offer, or if my usual style of coaching would even be helpful given the circumstances, but quite frankly it was the only thing that I could think of to do. 

As a result, I spent this past month in coaching conversations with 100 people. These 100 people - 21 existing clients, 13 old friends, and 66 total strangers - were my living, breathing window into how we have all been processing this enormously global shift. They included actors, writers, circus performers, CEOs, musicians, publicists, photographers, business owners, directors, producers, speakers, administrators, mothers, fathers, students, sound engineers, professors, and dancers - all from totally different corners of the industry, all extremely similar in their worries and concerns. 

Increasingly, I’ve had more and more people asking me if they are alone in how they are thinking, feeling, and acting throughout this time. So I thought I would share some of the insights these 100 people have provided me with in the hopes that you will see that none of us is really alone right now.

There is no wrong way to be. 

“I feel as though I’m behind.” 

This exact sentence has been spoken to me by eight different people in the past four days. Recently, many people have articulated a growing fear that they are not being productive enough right now to succeed on the other end of this pandemic. Or perhaps, if they were better at processing their emotions they might be experiencing the life-changing perspective shifts this time period has to offer. Or is it possible that this time of isolation is actually making, dare I say it, happy? And is it bad if they don’t want this new found freedom to end?

A client recently referred to this guilt-ridden worry swirl as “the isolation within the isolation.” And yes, we are all feeling it. 

The isolation within the isolation will tell you that you are alone in your behavior. It will take examples of the outside world and highlight your biggest fears about yourself and your life. It will kick comparison mode into overdrive and magnify your insecurities. It will make you believe there is a race to be won.

The antidote? As much as is possible, be okay with being how you want to be today, and being how you want to be tomorrow. There is no race. You’ve got time. We’ve all got time.

It was never about the money.

One great thing about speaking individually to a lot of people in a very short amount of time is the abundantly clear patterns it exposes. 

• Week 1 brought concern about lost money and what that would mean for shelter, food, and safety.

• Week 2 brought concern about money to be made and how to be productive in the face of lethargy.

• Week 3 brought concern about the sources of earned money through this time and what that meant in terms of identity.

• Week 4 brought the concern that it was never really about the money at all.

Money is like tofu - it takes on the emotional taste of whatever you cook it in. It is the ultimate scapegoat. Worried about your safety? Must be a money problem. Want to feel productive? Focus on making money. Uncertain about your worth as a human or artist? Just measure it in terms of money.

Out of the 100 people I spoke to this month, 93 led with “My biggest concern is money.” For 2 people, that was true. For the remaining 91, a few more minutes of conversation uncovered the real top of mind issue - and issue typically rooted in their sense of self that felt scary and impossible to address. So they said it was money. Because that’s what society tells us to do.   

When we default to making everything about money (even the things that aren’t), we lose out on the chance to really heal and grow.

The flow of humanity has not stopped. 

It still exists and it is still in motion, creating new beauty, new joy, new laughter, new hope every day. 

I have a written list of all of the people I’ve had conversations with this month, which I read every night before I go to sleep. As I do, I see a colorful collage filled with flashes of shared moments.

There are toddlers giggling and discoveries of shared hometowns. Extraordinary visions for education reform, one million dollars raised for artists, and brand new businesses being started. There are hula hoops on fire, plants in painted skulls, Ted talks, and astrology charts. And of course there is the laughter, the tears, and an abundance of the phrase “weird times.”

It reminds me that there is so much life in each and every day - even as we are all stuck in our homes, even if we have spent the whole day napping, even if we are deep in the hustle. We are all continuously creating the whole of humanity together. We are all participants. Whether we see it or not, whether we mean to or not, we are contributing.

I am contributing.

You are contributing. 

To my 100 people, especially the 66 who I just met this month, thank you forever for sharing an hour of your time and life with me. I cherish it deeply.

I’m still offering space on my calendar to anyone who needs someone to speak with - no fee, no strings, no sales pitch - just an hour of support. You can schedule directly here.

The big great ongoing nonstop disappearing act of life

I remember the first time I encountered the idea of embracing impermanence. I was wandering around bookstore in Boston in the midst of a uniquely hard time in my life, and stumbled across a book full of quotes by Thich Nhat Hanh. I opened the book and there it was: 

“It’s not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.”

My internal response was something along the lines of, “That sounds like some hippy dippy bullsh*t meant to delude people into happiness when the reality sucks.”

And then, six months later, my best friend died. 

Suddenly and mysteriously on the other side of the world, my very healthy, very vibrant 24 year old partner-in-crime was found dead in her cabin on the cruise ship where she performed as a singer.

And that’s when I finally got the whole impermanence thing. Because while there were many things that were painful about Jackie’s death, the most heart-wrenching of them all was the idea that it simply had never occurred to me that she could be there one day and then gone the next. I know it might sound silly - but it’s true. 

In my mind, she was supposed to be on this earth for decades.  But in reality, she wasn’t. I found myself asking, what else might not be here tomorrow?

Embracing impermanence can be a tough journey because it requires us to readjust our definition of security and control. It typically requires us to imagine losing the things we love the most - somehow being okay with the concept that the sun might come out tomorrow, but that’s really all we can depend on. 

As a result, impermanence can get a bad reputation for being all about embracing the loss of good. 

In reality, impermanence is not only about being okay with losing the good. It’s equally about being okay with releasing the bad. It’s about acknowledging that in every moment of every day we might be able to guess what will happen in the next moment, but in reality we do not know. We just don’t.

And while clinging to the people or the things that make us happy can bring us suffering when they are taken away - clinging on to suffering is just as much of a risk and can cause even more harm in the long run.

Over-identifying with suffering is what happens when we want to gain control and definitively draw a situation as black or white - good or bad. While labelling a situation as entirely bad may not inspire happiness in us, it definitely give us a sense of control, and so most of us will do so subconsciously at some point or another.

The issue? If we are in a situation that feels bad, ideally we want to eventually be in a situation that feels good. And by labelling a situation as 100% entirely undoubtedly bad, we end up ignoring or even attacking any available path towards a better tomorrow. 

While this may seem like a total topic switch, I’ll say this…

If you are feeling numb today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling energized today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling grateful today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling depressed today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling hopeful today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling hopeless today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling lucky today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling lost today, that’s okay.

If you are feeling a little bit good, a little bit bad, a little bit angry, a little bit confused, a little bit nothing today. that’s okay. 

If you are feeling one way while someone else, especially someone you care about, is feeling another way, that’s okay.

Your pain and your happiness are not forever and they are not mutually exclusive.

Your happiness does not automatically negate another person’s pain, and your pain does not mean you will never feel happiness.

You can be nothing and all of the things, and as long as you are a little open to it, tomorrow will be different. Every day is different. Every moment changes into the next. 

That’s the whole idea of impermanence. It’s not about deluding yourself into being happy when you’re not. It’s about knowing that the good, the bad, the in between, the upside down…it’s all always changing. 

Tomorrow will be a new day.

An open letter to the creatives of the world

Photo cred: Luke Kritzeck - designer, producer, friend, and fervent chaser of the light

Dear Creatives,

I would ask how you are, but that question feels so loaded these days. It’s been a weird couple of weeks for us all, but especially for you. 

As a creative, it is your life’s work to create - to bring the new into existence. These weeks have brought a lot of destruction, and that contrast has to feel particularly jarring. Unfortunately, it seems like the destruction might carry on a little bit longer. But it will end. This will pass.

Creatives, I have to ask - have you mourned yet? Many of you have lost a lot - and I’m not just talking about money and opportunities. You probably had an image of the career you wanted to have next week, next month, next year. You might have had hopes and dreams built around future parameters that felt relatively certain. And today’s world has probably turned that image upside down - at least temporarily. So I’ll ask again, have you mourned? It’s okay to mourn a loss, even if it’s invisible. It doesn’t mean you’re dwelling. It means you’re healing. 

We are all still here for you, creatives, even if you don’t see us yet. There is a lot of noise right now, but when the dust settles, we will still be here eagerly awaiting what you have yet to create. The rules may be different. We may not be able to come to your show or be with you in person. But we know you’ll find a way to connect with us. In a world that is notoriously distracted and disconnected from each other, you have always found ways to bring us humans back together. We love that about you. 

When the fear of the unknown takes over, please remember that you are magical. Don’t lose sight of that magic you carry - the magic to create, to connect, to imagine, to hope. I get it - the world isn’t always so great at acknowledging or appreciating you for what you bring to the table. But right now the world could use some extra magic in it. Please don’t hide it from us now.

I spent most of my life as a creative. While I’ve since switched careers, the lessons I learned in my musical studies still walk alongside me every day - especially during these times.

Like the time I asked an established trombonist if he ever got nervous when learning a new and difficult piece of music. He replied, “Why would I get nervous? I’ve played all of these notes before many times. They’re just in a different order, that’s all.”

The world is a little different now, but creatives, you have played all of these notes. Try not to be too discouraged by the the specific technologies you have not yet used, the sources of funding you have not yet found, the audience you do not yet know. You’ve created these things before - and you will create them again. Remember: same notes, different order. All it will take is a little practice.

I will leave you with this:

I’ve been thinking a lot about forest fires, and how uncontrollable and destructive they are. However, in the midst of these fires there are seeds, like that of the alpine ash, which can only grow in the bare and ashy earth the fire leaves behind. In the midst of the fire’s destruction, these seeds are preparing to grow a new forest. 

Creatives, even at humanity’s most destructive, you have been the ones to keep us growing forward. You see the possibility in ways the rest of us can not see. You dream at heights the rest of us can not reach. It’s a lot to ask right now, but creatives please do not lose hope. You are not forgotten. Even though right now it looks like everything you’ve worked to build is burning down, there is a new forest to grow and we need you. 

We can not wait to see what you will create.

If you need support, I’m here for you. You do not need to suffer in silence. Reach out and let’s talk: https://calendly.com/lisa-husseini/covid

Tips for when you're freaking out from a professional freaker outer

Hi, I’m Lisa and I’ve had a truly prolific career as a professional anxiety spiraler. I don’t want to brag, but my experience is vast. Panic attacks, manic work sessions, day-long naps, obsessive thoughts - I’ve done it all. *hair flip*

Because of this, I’ve picked up some techniques for how to mitigate damage when the fear train falls off the tracks. Here are some of the ones that have worked best for me - and hopefully at least one will provide a few seconds of solace for you if you find yourself consumed by fear.

This is not happening to me right now.

One of my favorite sayings goes something like, “All emotional and mental pain exists in the past or in the future, not in the present.” 

Now, I want to acknowledge that there are a lot of people in the world who are lacking basic resources to sustain life right now. However, if you are reading this blog post, I’m going to assume you have a roof over your head, clean water, food to eat tonight, and probably you have a roll of toilet paper or two to spare.

If that’s the case, the inner turmoil and worry you’re experiencing is living in the past or future - even if it is the very recent past or very soon-to-be future.

I just lost a ton of work.

Will I be able to pay rent next month?

When will this end?

While all of these are valid fears, all of these are not in the present. And so much can happen in the present when we can build the space to think a little more clearly and create a little more freely.

In order to create that space, when I’m lost in the spiral and my body is in full blow fight or flight, I repeat these words to myself: 

This is not happening to me right now. 

Emphasis on the right now.

After a few times of saying this to myself, I start to look at what is happening to me and around me at that moment, and I say it out loud. “

I’m sitting in my apartment. I’m staring at my cat. I am breathing. I am safe. I am scared. I am human. 

For me, this usually brings me back down to earth and dulls the sharp pangs of anxiety.

Out of sight out of mind.

In order to plan for the future, we need to create a clean mental space in the now. When we are stressed, this feels nearly impossible to do. Items that we are preemptively worrying about have a habit of masquerading as things we need to worry about now, and lines can get blurred and messy very quickly.

Let’s say you know that you have a bunch of postponed gigs you need to follow up with about rescheduling. You know that now isn’t the time to do so, but it’s a massive future to do item. Maybe it’s consuming your day to day thoughts, and you are wondering, “If not now, then when?”

This anxiety-reducing tactic revolves around picking a date in the future - maybe it’s next week or maybe it’s next month - that you would like to resume worrying about this to do item. Write the item on a piece of paper, fold it up, put it in an envelope, mark the envelope with the date you have selected, and then put the envelope somewhere out of the way but still visible. Whenever you have a new gig to reschedule or a new worry about the rescheduling process, write it down and put it in the envelope.

I conceived of this tactic during a time when I was making myself physically sick due to worry and stress. It’s so effective for me in calming me down - I hope it helps you as well.

Stretch it out. 

As humans, our stress cycle is a half mental and half physical self-feeding loop. This looks like:

I’m stressed therefore my muscles are tense and my muscles are tense therefore my brain thinks there is a reason to be stressed.

When I’m freaking out, I will also make myself small and tense. I hunch my shoulders, I slouch in my chair, I clench my muscles. And even when the mental stress passes, my body is telling my mind, “No! What are you doing! Didn’t you know we should be stressed right now!”

I have found it very effective in these moments to assume passive stretching positions that open the body up. Personally, I lay vertically on a foam roller and open my arms - but really any position that counteracts the fetal position will do. I know it sounds so simple, but this is actually a tactic I wish I employed more. It works and requires the least amount of mental gymnastics to do so.

And finally, as I often say, humans are complicated plants. The mental techniques for fear and anxiety work best in conjunction with proper sleep, diet, hydration, and movement. And of course, if you are under medical supervision for anxiety or depression, consult with your team of medical professionals for the best advice for you.