A place that fits
“What draws people to be friends is that they see the same truth. They share it.”
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the environments we choose. Perhaps this is because I have an upcoming move that has prompted me to look at what I do and do not value in the place where I dwell.
Do I prefer the romantic beauty of an older place, knowing that the corresponding cracks and crevices may bring higher heat bills and the occasional sugar-seeking ant? Or would I rather a sleek, modern build with its cold stone floors and stone cold corporate policies and fees?
You might deem the walk-up worth it if you knew that everything you needed was within walking distance. Or maybe you’d move anywhere if it meant you could keep that central air and in-unit laundry.
My list of perks and tradeoffs may look like your list of cons and pros.
What you value most may not even enter my conversation.
No such thing as the perfect place.
Only a place that fits.
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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the friends we make. Maybe this is because friendship is one of those things that comes up with nearly every coaching client I’ve ever had.
More than money fears. More than workplace woes. More than family drama.
And yet, I’ve found it rare that one asks themselves what they value in a friendship.
But what are friendships if not the places in which our heart dwells?
Did that feel cheesy to read? It felt a little cheesy to write.
Ah well, who cares.
Cheesy things can be true, too.
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For many years, I struggled to find a place to live that felt like a solid fit.
The question was always, “Could I make living in this place work?”
Not, “What would make a place work for me to live in?”
Nothing ever quite fit, and I started to wonder whether a witch placed a curse on my ancestors that dictated their great great great granddaughter would never find a suitable home.
That was the only rational explanation, of course.
As you may suspect, once I started getting clear on what I wanted, the spell was broken. The hex lifted.
And it turns out, clarity on my end was the only thing missing.
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Clarity helps with friendship too. And yet, it is easy for people to believe that the areas of lack and frustration in their social lives exist as a result of some mysterious external force.
Difficulty making new friends must be because of some innate, inherent flaw.
Struggles with creating lasting, deep friendships must be because of the city, state, or local culture.
Persistent conflicts with multiple friends must have to do with an invisible magnet that draws combative people closer.
All rational explanations.
And yet, I offer, none of them are as true as they may seem.
When in doubt, I suggest going back to basics.
What do you value in the places in which you dwell? What do you want in the relationships that accompany you through this lifetime?
Give your compass a clear direction to point towards. And then walk that way.
In my experience, doing so nearly always leads to a perfect fit.